Many of you may be wondering why I haven't been posting. I'd love to say that I've been busy and just simply couldn't find the time but I'd be lying. The truth is that writing it down makes it real. Writing down that for the first time ever I'm having self esteem issues makes the struggle real. I haven't lost the battle because I'm not done fighting but I have been in somewhat of a rut. I've been going through emotions that I've never had before about my body and who I am as a person. I search deep into my soul trying to find the answer to my problems but I don't seem to find one. It's quite difficult to be happy and unhappy at the same time. A lot of amazing and wonderful blessings have come my way and in most every other aspect in my life I am quite blissfully happy. I've moved in with the love of my life and although there are struggles for the most part we are both extremely happy. I don't want anyone to think that my body issues have anything to do with those changes in my life. Those issues are mine, I have to own them. My weight loss has come to a stand still and not even a plateau it's actually more like little hills I'm up and down but all within a few pounds. I attribute this mostly to a drastic schedule and life change. I became complacent I stopped being diligent and persistent in my good life style choices I slacked off, I got in a rut, I fell off the hypothetical wagon, however you'd like to word it it happened and I'm ashamed. I think that's the biggest struggle of all, the shame I feel for letting myself down, for letting my readers down. It feels good putting it into words and being vulnerable with myself and my biggest supporters. Thank you for being patient thank you sister for being persistent about me blogging. Today I choose to begin somewhere and for me blogging is the first step to getting back control over my life.
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Many of you may be wondering why I haven't been posting. I'd love to say that I've been busy and just simply couldn't find the time but I'd be lying. The truth is that writing it down makes it real. Writing down that for the first time ever I'm having self esteem issues makes the struggle real. I haven't lost the battle because I'm not done fighting but I have been in somewhat of a rut. I've been going through emotions that I've never had before about my body and who I am as a person. I search deep into my soul trying to find the answer to my problems but I don't seem to find one. It's quite difficult to be happy and unhappy at the same time. A lot of amazing and wonderful blessings have come my way and in most every other aspect in my life I am quite blissfully happy. I've moved in with the love of my life and although there are struggles for the most part we are both extremely happy. I don't want anyone to think that my body issues have anything to do with those changes in my life. Those issues are mine, I have to own them. My weight loss has come to a stand still and not even a plateau it's actually more like little hills I'm up and down but all within a few pounds. I attribute this mostly to a drastic schedule and life change. I became complacent I stopped being diligent and persistent in my good life style choices I slacked off, I got in a rut, I fell off the hypothetical wagon, however you'd like to word it it happened and I'm ashamed. I think that's the biggest struggle of all, the shame I feel for letting myself down, for letting my readers down. It feels good putting it into words and being vulnerable with myself and my biggest supporters. Thank you for being patient thank you sister for being persistent about me blogging. Today I choose to begin somewhere and for me blogging is the first step to getting back control over my life.
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 I haven't been keeping you all as updated as I would like! This year started out so busy already! I haven't been home a single weekend except for Christmas since before Thanksgiving! I have been keeping busy and staying active. Its one of the many changes that have come about in my new lifestyle. I often have hard days but they are mostly filled with amazing ones full of love and support from all of you. I know a lot of people have been wondering how I am loosing weight or what I am doing different. The answer is EVERYTHING! Everything I do is different, from how I sleep to how I eat to how I view life. There was a shift in my life and I am taking full advantage! I can only speak for myself and can share my experiences but this doesn't mean that it will work for everyone, but I have found that the most important thing is looking within yourself and finding out what you really want. I am scared on the daily about gaining weight back, I am down 40 lbs. so far and if feels great to have that off of me, the changes are slow and gradual and that is exactly how I have always wanted them to be. My cpap machine or sleeping machine like I call it has helped me immensely, You don't realize how important a good nights rest is until you actually have it. I came to the hash realization that I didn't know when the last time was that I had actually rested throughout the whole night. I tossed and turned many nights waking up every hour on the hour, or laying there saying ok if I go to sleep now I can sleep 6 solid hours, then ok if I go to sleep now I can get 5 good hours that's enough, then ok 4 hours, 4 hours will work I can last all day on 4 hours, some nights I was lucky if I got a full 3 hours of sleep, some nights no sleep at all and work all day. I didn't know why, I blamed stress or having trouble shutting my brain off at night. My pulmonologist told me that someone has severe apnea if they stop breathing more than 40 times in a period of 1 hour, after my sleep study he looked at me and said, Vanessa, you stopped breathing 68 times on us, we had to hook you up to the machine. It is why I had had a headache almost everyday for the last several years of my life, lack of oxygen during sleep. Its why no matter how hard I tried it was so difficult to find the energy to go anywhere or do anything on my days off. No one understood, the life of an obese young adult wanting and yearning for things that their body just couldn't give them. Telling myself that I was just lazy, when the truth was that I just physically couldn't do anything. I am so fortunate to have decided to do something about my health, with every day that passes I learn just a little bit more about myself. It has been such an interesting journey thus far, the outpour of support is so overwhelming, I know that many of you are cheering for me and I want just wanted you to know that I hear you, and I am cheering for you too, in whatever it is you need cheering for.
The picture above on the left is October 2014 and on the right is January 2015 Good day and goodnight from my computer to you I wish you love, laughter and happiness. Why don't people ever treat stress with sincerity? Often people, including myself, say things like "stop stressing out," "what are you so stressed for?" As if we were created with an on/off switch for stress. The more my life changes the more I realize about myself. I had more doctor appointments recently, all good, one was a follow up after some lab work testing my thyroid. Some people may not know this but a couple of years ago I was on high blood pressure pills and thyroid pills which I was told I would have to take the rest of my life... During that time I was in and out of the clinic once, twice, three, up to four times a month! That's right! There were months where I felt so miserable I was in there once a week. I can't even fathom that now. I have a lot of appointments now but those are mostly to help guide me on my journey towards being healthy not because I feel sick. I was in a bad emotional state, drowning in bills, overwhelmed by the decision of owning my own beauty shop, I lived terrified of letting people down but most of all I was mortified at the thought of failure. I knowingly put myself in the middle of a hurricane expecting calm waters. The thought of it makes me laugh. I want to look down at that girl and say "Really Vanessa? Really?" I don't regret it though. I learned a lot about life, people, and mostly I learned about myself. It took a long time and a lot of hard work to not have anxiety about that time in my life. Once I sat in a grocery parking lot for 30 minutes scared to go in because I didn't want to see anyone I knew because I knew they would have questions. I officially gave up on my beauty shop dream on a Saturday, that day I packed up my things and returned the beauty shop to its rightful owner. I watched my hopes and dream slip right through my fingers along with over $30k I had invested into that dream in one year. It hurt like hell to give up. I felt like a failure, a joke, a complete disappointment. It was rough and that following Monday I had a mass removed from my side... It was the scariest thing I had ever been through, feeling something growing that you knew was not supposed to be there. The not knowing was the worst. My creative imagination was building up a horror story in my head and I had to wait until they removed my stitches for the results. I even called once to see if they had heard anything and all they said was that the doctor would talk to me on the day I was scheduled to have the stitches removed. I was scheduled for two weeks after the mass removal. It got delayed by about a week and a half because in the middle of my hell I lost my Grandfather. We loaded up, stitches and all, risking infection, I called the doctor to let him know I was going to Mexico on an emergency and that I would have to reschedule, he gave me some instruction to follow to reduce the risk. I even drove while in pain because I was the only one who hadn't been working and wasn't as tired as everyone else. And all of this to say goodbye to that great man. I'd do it all over again nothing would have kept me from paying my respect to the man responsible for the existence of my family. As soon as I got back I went to get the stitches removed and hear the results. NON MALIGNANT!! Finally I was able to catch a break. The whirlwind began to settle, the storm was finally dying down. After that I only sailed in calm waters, terrified of the slightest change in wind. I took on zero responsibility, took care of me and only me. My needs before others. It was the first time I had only thought of myself. Although it's ok to be selfish every once in a while it's not something that I really wanted to become. I had to find myself again. I only realized after the storm had passed exactly how much of myself hadn't made it out safe. I lost my passion, my drive, that exhilarating feeling I'd get when I picked up a pair of scissors. That excitement I felt in the pit of my stomach when my clients called for appointments. It became a burden, a heavy boulder weighing me down, the lack of interest was unbearable. I still haven't found it again. I hope one day I'll wake up and it'll be there again but for now it just isn't. I took a new path, administrative assistant to our city manager. Not a path I ever thought I'd take, not one I dreamt all my life about, or even one I worked hard to achieve, but I'm happy. It's consistent, stable, I know what to expect and know my duties. I do my job and I like to think I do it well. I am good. Finally, I am really good. I will forever think twice before telling someone to "quit stressing." Stress controlled my life for a good while, I gladly say that I broke free from that prison. I won't say my life is completely stress free but the stress I do find myself in I am now able to keep under control instead of letting it control me. Today I can say that my blood pressure has been normal for over a year and that my thyroid is working within the normal range and all without medicine. I had no idea of the physical, mental, and emotional side effects that stress had had on me.
Once again thank you for taking time out of your day to read my blogs and to all those who have stopped me in the street to tell me that they enjoy these blogs, you will never know how much that truly means to me! Good day and goodnight from my computer to you I wish you love, laughter and happiness.  #InTheRaw I recently had a conversation with a good friend that inspired this post. Sometimes we get in such a hurry and that day was no different. We had a short but deep and insightful conversation. He is a very talented individual who's art has been exhibited in local museums. He told me how his most popular pieces were the ones he did in one night as opposed to the ones he took his time on trying to perfect. I told him it was because we don't identify with perfection because we are all flawed. There isn't anything interesting about it, we relate to the raw piece the one that gives us away. The one we don't have time to go back and try to cover up how we were feeling. I mentioned to him how sometimes when I write I'm not really sure what I'm feeling until I go back and read it over. Often I find myself shocked because I had no idea I felt a certain way until I got it down on paper. I wish more of us had the courage to present ourselves in the raw. How beautiful would it be to wear your scars and imperfections with pride instead of using expensive products to cover them up. Don't get me wrong makeup and photo filters can be a form of art as well and I'm not saying that its wrong to use them I would just simply like to see who is brave enough to show the things we are often self-conscious about. I love everyone's rough edges it makes us unique if God or whatever higher being you believe in had taken the time to perfect each and everyone of us and trying to fit us into the perfect mold we would all look exactly the same. We were left in the raw for a reason imperfections are beauty. I challenge all of you to take a selfie in the raw I will include mine here, on facebook, and on Twitter using #intheraw let's celebrate the flaws that make us human, the flaws that aren't flaws at all but simply rough edges left there to make us each a unique piece of artwork. Thanks friend for being an inspiration!
Good day and goodnight from my computer to you I wish to you love, laughter, and happiness.  Early last week I got the news that I've lost 31lbs! It's a small milestone in this long journey that I have embarked on. A journey that was long past due. Today I count my blessings 31lbs gone only days before my 31st Birthday, coincidence? I think not, I look up to the heavens and give my God a wink. I've learned to read those little nudges he gives me from time to time. In life we often forget how much we need him for me specifically it's God although others may call him by a different name but for those who believe in a higher being its good to know he's out there. No one can say for certain of what is or what isn't as far as faith goes but isn't that what faith is? Believing in something even when you're not so sure? In my case I've seen prayer work I've seen the work of God in my life I've yelled in anger at my God and have come to him humbled in gratitude for his many blessings. I call on him when I'm in need and on days like today I call on him simply to say thank you. He has proven to me time and time again of his existence even when it was hard to believe or better yet I refused to believe. This is not a sermon and I'm not trying to say my beliefs are the right ones just because I believe that God is exactly who or what we need him to be that doesn't mean that if you feel different that you are wrong. It simply means that you have a different view or outlook on things and isn't that the beauty of living in the land of the free. There are many blessings in my life most of which I call by name. I'm not sure that I could have done it without my family and friends. I took today to reflect on who I was because it plays an important part of who I am. I wasn't too excited about 31 but now that I am here I welcome it and all the wonderful things that come with it. We often forget to take a moment to contemplate on the things that have hurt us as it is usually rather painful but I like to look back and think wow I'm so glad I made it through that dark part of my life. If you read "Dear John" on Poet's Corner you will get a little insight on what was probably one of my darkest moments. When I look back on that it makes me feel stronger. I found myself in the deepest depression I had ever been in. I often cried myself to sleep and faked smiles all day. Even years later I would have days where I would cry on my way to work and once I got there it was all smiles and fun times. Sometimes we don't even realize how truly amazing we really are until we look back and reflect. I wish people would stop feeling bad for knowing their worth. I dislike the negative connotation of being conceited. Shouldn't we all celebrate how wonderful we are? Everyone has something special about them I challenge you to reflect and find those key moments that potentially changed the rest of your life, and if you're in the middle of that darkness that deep pit that is so pitch black there is no end in sight just remember that when you make it out you'll be much stronger and wiser than you've ever been before. Don't be ashamed of being sad because we all feel it sometimes. Find a productive way to gain insight on yourself. For me it's always been writing, for others it may be painting, or crafting. Allow yourself to be sad if you need it but only for a short time. Be it, feel it, then fix it. Thank you so much again for stopping by to hear my rants!
Good day and goodnight from my computer to you I wish to you love, laughter, and happiness.  I've always found it amusing when people call other people fat like its a some kind of huge revelation. Anyone who knows anything about struggling with weight knows that you aren't revealing anything new, for a lot of people it's something we've dealt with all our lives for others it may be something new. I've been fortunate to always be comfortable in my own skin and love myself for who I am inside and out. This blog is particularly difficult for me as I don't share my feelings on my weight with a lot of people so I am quite vulnerable sharing the photo to the left and publishing this post. I promised myself when I started this website that no topic would be off limits that if I wanted to be honest with what I'm trying to achieve I had to be honest here too. I have hopes that one day someone will read this and gain insight on themselves and if I can help even one single person then my job here is done.
I started a journey a few months ago to become a healthier person. I don't have a goal of becoming a skinny person or a goal of a certain size I have a goal of becoming healthier and extending my life so that I may enjoy it with those I love. I have many plans for my future one of which includes having children. I have tried so many diets I lost track, people say exercise but when you carry as much weight as I do it is difficult to do the tasks so many people take for granted. You don't really know unless you've been inside the mind or body of someone struggling with weight. It's not always so easy to get out of bed or have the energy to be more physical because it's hard to even sleep. Don't worry this isn't a pity party or a poor me story. This is me taking ownership and responsibility over my own body. This is me trying to not watch what others eat and watch what I eat. I know what I can and can't have and most importantly how much I can have. I have grown to learn that healthy doesn't mean compromising taste it means making smarter choices. I am in no way even close to the end of my journey this is just the beginning. I often find myself discouraged and tired of counting my calories. Then I look at pictures like the one above and I remember. I remember what brought me here in the first place. I remember how I felt in that before picture and how I feel in the after picture. And I am reminded of how much better I will continue feel. I am reminded constantly of all the people out there who have loved me most of my life just the way I've always been and to them I am eternally grateful. I have always and will always look in the mirror and think "Damn, I'm cute!" Words have power only if you let them so call me fat if it makes you feel better because I know I am beautiful and one day I hope you feel beautiful too. Thank you so much to those of you who are following my posts. All I can hope for is that one day my words will make a difference in someone's life and inspire them. Good day and goodnight from my computer to you I wish you love, laughter and happiness. |
AuthorJust a soul lost in this immediate rewards kind of planet hoping to be able to stop someone long enough to hear what I have to say. Archives
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